Our Angel Baby || Miscarriage

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

This coming December will mark 4 years since I lost my baby. I wanted to tell my story in hope of helping families deal with this type of grief. As you read our story you will discover how much I needed support from other grieving families, but I didn’t know where to turn.

I recognize the mothers and fathers who carry their children in their hearts, not their arms. A families love never dies, you are not alone, you are loved.

(This story was originally posted on my personal/family blog,
before I discontinued it. Its a bit rough, but I chose not to edit it because I wanted the same emotion to be expressed now as it did back then.)

As I sit down to write this story my heart is thumping and tears begin to run down my face. Our Story has taken me quite a few days to write. It was so hard for me to compose this story. It feels like Dec 13, 2014 was just yesterday, and I begin to cry and my body tenses with anxiety. But I know, I need to write down all the specific details for myself.....

On October 21, 2014 I went over to the grocery store and purchased a pregnancy test. My heart was pounding, I was so nervous of what the results would say. But why was I so scared? Sean and I have been together for over 5 years and married for 2 years. I am 25 and Sean is 31. We wanted to wait awhile before we had kids. Growing up in Utah people are insane and get married at 19 or 20 and pop out 3 kids by 22! We are definitely not the norm around here. 


Sean and I made a goal to travel to Paris, France before we started a family… because who knows when we would get the chance again!

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Before we left to France and Belgium we laid in bed one night talking for hours about the what if we had a baby, are we ready, am I too selfish with my time to have a child, do we have enough money, is our house big enough, how will the animals react, will I stay fat forever, will I be a good mom and dad, will there be complications in my pregnancy, will the baby have down syndrome or autism, what gender will it be, etc. After hours of talking and crying we decided that we cant predict the future and we are strong for what ever will happen, good, amazing, awful or sad.

We spent 1 lovely week in France & Belgium and had a wonderful time exploring!

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When I came home from the grocery store on October 21, 2014, I went into the bathroom and did the deed. I left for 5 min trying to not let my anxiety kick in. Of course that didn't work. Like a creepy spy I cracked opened the door to slowly brace myself for whatever answer it could be. The test was the stick that showed || for positive or | for negative. At first I only saw one line so I was like umm okay bummer, not sad but not happy, just melancholy. Then as I looked at it more closely another line was appearing, I screamed out of shock! Sean overheard me in the living room and was like uh is everything okay.. I was like ya haha sorry! I didn't want to tell him yet because there was 1 solid line and 1 faint line so I was hesitant. I jumped online like a lunatic frantically searching sites where other members could tell me what they thought. A similar woman asked my question so I started reading the responses. They said “GIRL A LINE IS A LINE YOUR ARE DEFINITELY PREGNANT CONGRATS.” I screamed again and Sean was like what the hell?!?! I was like sorry, read something funny! At this moment in time I didn't know what to feel or how to act. But being the anal planner that I am I knew I had to tell Sean in a creative way!

The next day I went back to the store and bought the ridicously expensive kind of digital pee stick, the one that says pregnant 1-2 weeks or 2-3 weeks or 4+ weeks. The stick came out and said 2-3 weeks pregnant. I also bought a card for Sean that would be funny. Since it was around Halloween I bought this card…

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I set up the camera on our china hutch, hidden behind a picture frame in the living room. You see I thought I was such a genius with my plan. Because every day when Sean comes home from work he does the exact same thing. He walks in the door takes off his coat gives me a kiss, sorts through the mail, grabs a beer from the fridge and relaxes in the exact same spot on the couch. I had positioned the camera to catch the exact location. As I eagerly await him to pull in the driveway I mentally prepare myself for the fun night ahead! 

As Sean gets a beer in the fridge I head over and turn on the camera so it starts filming. But for some weird reason he isn't going over to the couch to relax, instead he decides to tell me a story about his Mother. Half listening because I am too anxious, Im like just go sit down while I make dinner, just go. By this time 5 mins had gone by on the camera. As he sits down I say oh hey I saw this funny card at the store today and bought it for you. I randomly toss the card on the couch and say here read it. I walk back into the kitchen and then slowly pop my head around the corner so I can watch his reaction. He looks up and sees me and says ARE YOU SERIOUS ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I start laughing and say YES  then run and grab the two pee sticks so I can prove the reality to him. Hes like OH MY GOSH that was fast! I said I know apparently im fertile myrtle and it only took one time! 

We hug and kiss and are both in shock and disbelief that our lives are about to be changed. We ended up not really eating dinner because we didn't have an appetite. As we sat down and rambled on about the next 9 months, we decided that we probably conceived the baby on our 2nd wedding anniversary in Paris and Belgium. We were so excited and scared! We are having a baby!!!

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 So that night I said hey lets go and buy a baby book so we can start reading it each month. So we headed out to barnes and noble and picked up this book, the same book every pregnant lady buys or receives!

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We both decided we were going to wait until our 8 week apt to tell our parents and siblings. At this point I am about 6 weeks. I called my obgyn and make my first appt. By the info they give me, they inform me that my due date will be JULY 4, 2015! I was so excited, that is my favorite holiday and my birth month too! I knew there was a high chance that it wouldn't be born on that exact day but I was still excited! 

After 1 week of knowing and not being able to tell anyone I was squealing inside, I begged Sean to have us at least tell my one and only sister! I needed advice on things I was feeling. (She had her first baby March 2013) I was so excited they would be somewhat close in age! Sean finally caved in and said fine, but just Heather because I want us both to know everything will be okay with you and the baby and that you for sure are pregnant! I laughed and was like OH I AM!

Sunday is our go to Movie day at the Megaplex, so after an afternoon movie I texted my sister and said hey I have a little gift for James can I come up and give it to him. They said yes so we drove up to Layton. Sean and I decided we wanted to film everyone's reactions when we told them we were pregnant. But just like I did for Sean, we wanted to hide the camera so they couldn't see it. 

I had purchased this cute little bun in the oven hand crafted piece from Etsy ( half the size of my palm). I t was wrapped in an elegant brown box and when you opened the box there was a handcrafted bread bun with a piece of paper poking out of it. When you un rolled the paper it said BUN IN THE OVEN! Done baking July 2015! love Sean and Megan.

When we arrived at my sisters house we went into their kitchen and said hey Jameson come here I have something for you, meanwhile Sean stood in the corner and filmed it. Since he is only 1 years old Heather and Steve both helped him open it. My sister was able to read it quickly and stood up and said I KNEW IT. I said no you didn't, how could you, I laughed! Then Steve was a bit confused and didn't get it for a second, Jameson decided to put the clay bun in his mouth and we all started laughing! We all hugged and then they congratulated us and Steve and Sean had a celebratory beer together!

During the next few weeks I was so exhausted more than I have ever felt! I have never really been a nap in the middle of the day person, but everyday around 3pm I would zonk out for 2 hours. And each night I would fall asleep on the couch around 830pm. I felt like such an old grandma haha. There was a few scary times that I almost fell asleep driving! Every night I had to wake up a minimum of 2x to go pee, that was extremely annoying. I never vomited but I did get very nauseated if I didn't eat or snack on something.

Sean and I kept going back and forth on if we wanted to tell our family on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day. Me, being a very inpatient pregnant woman, decided on Thanksgiving! I found this very cute saying I wanted to put on a large poster board. So we printed it out and placed it together.

 I wasn’t Vegan at the time……. Sorry!

I wasn’t Vegan at the time……. Sorry!

The day before my 8 week appt. we were having dinner at my Mothers house. Between Sean and I we have 5 sets of families to visit each holiday. Thank you divorces and adoptions! So this Sunday my mother was hosting her Thanksgiving dinner for us. I decided to use the same little cute bun in the oven and have my mom keep it. I placed the cute box on top of her plate so when she sat down to eat she would see it. When we ( Sean, myself, brother in law, nephew, sister, step dad, mom) were all finally seated at the table and before the blessing was said, I stood up and said, Mom I wanted to give you a little gift for hosting this wonderful thanksgiving dinner. She said oh thank you and proceeded to open the tiny box. Meanwhile very sneaky in the corner of the table my brother in law was filming my mothers reaction. My mom opened the box and squealed and was like ARE YOU SERIOUS OH MY GOSH!! I CANT BELIEVE IT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE WAITING AWHILE! AND ITS DUE IN JULY, THE SAME AS YOU! WOW WHAT A SURPRISE! We hugged and took a picture together. I informed her that we hadn't told anyone yet and wanted to wait till Thanksgiving.

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The next day was our first appt with the Doctor. I was so excited to see our baby on the ultrasound! Like always I had to pee really really bad! Once we were called into his office the weighed me and then asked me to go and pee on the stick ( my office doesn't do the cup ). I felt so relived haha! The doctor came in and felt around my cervix and determined I was right on time and my due date was accurate! I said do we get an ultrasound? He said well you need a full bladder for it to be clear. I was like uh!! I just had one but they made me pee right when I arrived. He said okay we can try. 

We walked over to the ultrasound room and I had Sean film the whole time. He put the gel on my lower stomach and started moving around, it said it was difficult to find it since my bladder was completely empty. After a bit of pressing down and searching he said  there it is and pointed to it. I was like what I don't see it! The screen looked like a fuzzy TV set! He said its the small white thing flickering and moving like a worm. I saw it and was like oh that's it. He laughed and said yes its tiny but there and moving! And you only have 1! Sean was relived! He was so nervous we would be having twins for some odd reason! I said can we hear the heartbeat and he said no its too early for that. Your next appt you will be able to hear it! I said okay and we went and did my blood work and headed home for the evening.

My sister went and surprised me with my first baby present!

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A few days before Thanksgiving, Sean's adopted Dad and family were in town from Houston. On Friday, a few of us went out to eat. Sean and I had put together a cute little gift for his dad and step mom. We got a bag labeled stork delivery and placed a bottle inside, with a tag that says expected delivery July 4, 2015. They were absolutely thrilled, his aunt cried and Toby and Janet gave us hugs! We enjoyed a lovely dinner talking about our future plans with the baby. 

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His Aunt Kari was throwing a dinner party Saturday night. We decided to tell the rest of the Brown family that night. After dinner we got in a really big group and had Kari's next door neighbor take our picture. I asked her to count to 3 and then tell everyone to say MEGANS PREGNANT! Every was like uh what, the faces we priceless and it was such a funny moment!

On Thanksgiving evening we were with my moms side of the family ( minus my mom she was at Kevins family). While everyone was eating dessert I said Hey I have a game to play so will everyone look over here, they looked over and I was holding my cute little Thanksgiving sign! They screamed with excitement while Sean filmed there reactions and responses! We only have 2 babies in our family everyone else is 16yrs or older. They were definitely excited for a new little babe!

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We made a little sign for our English Mastiff, Sloane to hang around her neck for our Social Media Announcement.

During the few  weeks I still had nausea and exhaustion but felt pretty normal. And we continued to tell the rest of our family members. We have an awesome compilation of there filmed reactions! We decided to wait and tell friends and social Media tell after Christmas. 

Sean and I had slowly started on getting our lives ready for the baby. We went and looked at nursery sets, strollers, diaper bags, etc.  We also went over to our bank and created a "baby saving fund" that we would add  $ to 2x per month. Sean and I had such a fun time watching THE BUMP app's videos on the baby's weekly progress and reading the book together before we went to bed.

Each week I was taking weekly pictures of myself growing. And for each month I was going to post a little info about how big the baby was, how I was feeling etc. So I created my first poster for my 8th week.

Here are my progress pics….

 WEEK 6

WEEK 6

 8 WEEKS

8 WEEKS

 9 WEEKS

9 WEEKS

 10 WEEKS

10 WEEKS

I forgot to take a picture of week 11.

 

*** Reader beware of graphic details ahead *** 

 

On Saturday December 13th 2014, I woke up at 5am because I had to be at work at 6am. I went into the bathroom to pee and noticed two medium size dots of blood on my panties. I started to panic but then realized that it was somewhat normal, at least from all the reading I had done. Still being nervous I woke Sean up and told him what was going on. Freaking myself out even more I decide to call my mom at 5:15am and tell her whats going on. She tells me to call my doctor. Since it was the weekend and early in the morning. I had to leave a message for the on call doctor. When the doctor called me back I informed her what was going on. She said it was pretty normal and that I shouldn't worry unless I was bleeding enough to fill up a period pad and if that happened I would need to go into the E.R. I hung up the phone called my mom back and decided to get out of bed and get dressed for work. As I stood up from my bed I felt a big blop come out of my vagina. I squeezed my legs together and ran to the bathroom. My mom was still on the phone but I dropped the phone on the bathroom floor. I opened my legs and blood gushed down my leg. It was the most dramatic and incredible amount of blood I had ever seen. The bathroom floor and my pants were covered in blood.  I start screaming and crying hysterically. Yelling Sean, NO NO I don't want to loose my baby. He said okay we are leaving now to the ER. He grabs the phone and tells my mom and hangs up. I pull up my soaking wet pants and climb into our Land Rover. I was getting blood all over the leather seats. We drove to the nearest hospital in Bountiful not my regular hospital in Salt Lake City. 

 

They place me in an ER room and start drawing my blood from my right arm. They were watching my blood pressure and then sent in the on call obgyn. He explained that he needed to go in an see if my cervix was still closed. If it was still closed I had not had a miscarriage. If it was open then I had a miscarriage. With all the blood  I  had lost no one was sure of the outcome. He used a tool, felt around and also shined a large light into me. He determined that my cervix was still closed and that I had a "threatened miscarriage". I said what does that mean? He said I had a 50% chance of loosing the baby soon as my body might of  started the process of getting rid of it. Or I will go on to have a normal pregnancy. Next they sent in an ultrasound tech. Since it was an ER they didn't have the normal machine. It was a freaking lap top. I was annoyed and frustrated. I said will this work? He said yes for the basic information but its not the best. We cant hear the heartbeat just see if the baby is still there. So he put the gel on and moved around. He saw that it was still intact and up there. It wasn't clear to see if it was moving just enough to know it was still in there. 

Sean and I were at the ER from 530am-11am it was such an awful experience, but we ended up leaving with hope and that I will just be on bed rest for the next two days until I see my obgyn on Monday for my 12 week appt.

 

The rest of the day I just laid on the bed or the couch, rotating between the two. I was suppose to babysit my nephew that evening while my sister and brother in law went to a Christmas concert. They had been informed of what had been going on and were hesitant to bring him over. I said no I should be fine, plus Sean is here and they can play together. I tried to play cars with him but got too exhausted. Around 8pm my stomach started hurting really bad. I asked Sean to call his Dad in Kaysville to come over and give me a blessing. I was so scared. I went into the bedroom closed the door and layed on my bed. The pain kept coming on stronger and then would stop. At this point I realized I was having contractions. I yelled for Sean to come into the bedroom and he saw how much pain I was in. He squeezed my hand and then a few minutes later I screamed. A huge pop like sensation just happened. It was so incredibly painful. I said I need to get up and go to the bathroom. As I was walking to the bathroom blood was streaming down my leg. I sat down on the toilet and cupped my hand so I could catch everything that was coming out. 

Since we came home from the hospital I hadn't cried, I was just in shock or denial of what was happening to me. As I sat on the toilet catching my placenta and baby coming out, I just held it in my  hand, on my lap looking at it and touching it softly. Large tissue chunks the size of my palm, along with large blood droplets kept falling into the toilet. Ive only seen my husband cry 2x and tonight was the 3rd. Ive never seen him cry so hard, I felt so bad for what I had done and caused. I didn't know how to comfort him. He just leaned against the door frame crying and watching me hold or baby.

Sean called my mother to come over and get my nephew. When she came into the house she ran into the bathroom crying. She said Meg I am so sorry I don't know why this happened. God must have another plan, or something just wasn't right yet. I didn't respond or cry, I just sat there on the toilet holding my baby in a small towel. I was in such a state of shock that I was completely numb.

My mom left so she could take Jameson home. By this point the blood on the floor, toilet, my legs and hands was dry. My bathroom looked like a horrible murder scene.

Seans dad Mark called and said he was almost to our house. Sean came into the bathroom and was trying to help me get up. I didn't want to put it down or let go of it. But he helped me place it and the towel into a bowl. He put a towel around me and helped me into bed. Mark came in and gave me a blessing. I was grateful for it but was still angry that God would have let this happen to us. I am a really healthy woman. I never get sick or the flu or anything!

Seans dad left and I asked Sean to help me back into the bathroom. I leaned against the tub and sat down on the tile holding it. My sister and brother in law came over afterwards to pick up Jameson and learned what happened. With tears in his eyes, Sean told them what had just happened. My sister came into the bathroom and tried to talk me into taking a bath and cleaning all the blood off my body. I said no I just want to sit here and hold it. I just couldn't bare to let go of it.

By this time almost an hour had passed and my baby and placenta had sadly started to soften and deflate. My sister forced me into the tub and then let Sean come in and help bathe me since I was so weak and could not stand up by myself. After Sean helped me clean myself up in the bathroom he helped me into bed. He went and scrubbed the bathroom clean and placed the baby in a small safe container so we could take it to my doctor on Monday. 

As I laid in bed I pleaded with God that this was just a dream and I would wake up tomorrow still happy and pregnant. I woke up Sunday morning and realized it was not a dream and that it was a very sad reality. I turned over to Sean and started to sob into his chest. I just kept saying why why why??!! What did  I do to make this happen? We just laid in bed holding each other and crying.

Monday Sean left work early, came home and picked me up so we could go see my doctor. I was so sick to my stomach I did not want to be doing this. Holding my baby in a Tupperware container we walked into the office. I had to wait in the waiting room starring at all these pregnant women or newly born babies. Sean new this was hard for me and said don't look around just look at me we can get through this.

As my name was called we walked into the office, my doctor just had to look at me and i burst into tears again. He said Im sorry and went in and checked to make sure my cervix had closed, it had. Then he proceeded to tell me that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages. Those words meant nothing. Well shit I was that 1% ! He told me to be on bed rest for 4-5 days and that I would still continue to bleed for 2 weeks. Great I thought, a constant reminder every single day that I lost my baby. He said I did nothing to cause it and that it would not affect my future pregnancies. He asked for the Tupperware container so they could examine it and make sure my body had passed everything. He came back and said it had. We left the office empty and depressed.

For the next week I laid in bed all day and all night just crying and reliving Saturday night all over in my head. I didn't shower or change my clothes. I didn't want to face my family and close friends and tell them what had happened. I didn't want to talk about it. People kept calling and texting me. I didn't want to answer. I was completely miserable I didn't know who to talk to. Sloane my English mastiff could sense that I was sad and depressed. Her sweet companionship helped ease my pain.

 I didn't know anyone that had gone through this, except one. I texted one of my friends and vented to them, for they were the only person who would understand. I ignored my family and friends and pushed people away. I didn't want to go out in public and see other pregnant women and new born babies. I couldn't handle it. 

At the end of the week Sean forced me to shower and change me clothes. He said you are leaving this house, and we are going out. He took me to my favorite restaurant and for a moment I felt better, or maybe it was just my margarita numbing the pain. But I just loved Sean even more for doing his best to love and help me through this. I knew he was sad too, but he is such a strong soul.

 

The following week was Christmas and I did not want to face the Holiday. Christmas came and it definitely wasn't the cheerful day it should have been for us. My mom told my family not to mention it to me, but of course they still did. They were trying to show they cared. I was trying to be so strong, but every time some one came up and said im sorry, or hugged me, or said are you okay, I just started crying and said I don't want to talk about it.

 

Weeks went on and I tried to live my life without breaking down every 5 minutes. Sean was and still is my biggest support and love. I decided I wanted to get a tattoo to resemble our baby. It was my very first tattoo and I am so happy about it. I love looking at it everyday. A teeny heart to represent our teeny baby. 

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Not a day goes by that we do not think of our lost baby. Would it have been a girl or a boy? What would we have named it?

It is still hard for me to talk about but I am learning that it is okay to talk about it. As I have been more open I have learned that a lot of women have experienced this. It makes me so sad for them but also frustrated that I felt so alone in this situation. I wish I could have reached out to more people to be comforted by or to help comfort them. The only miscarriages I had ever heard about were in the movies, sadly….. like UP and What to Expect when you are Expecting

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This week, the first week of February 2015, I would have  been 20 weeks along in my pregnancy.

 My final thoughts would be to please be careful of your actions and words. You do not know what others have been through. Don't tell them it will be okay or you can have another one or that its very common etc. Just love, kiss and hold them. Tell them that you are there for them.

 

To our baby, you were a dream, then a reality, and now a memory in our hearts.

 

 

love

sean and megan 

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