I forgot to take a picture of week 11.
*** Reader beware of graphic details ahead ***
On Saturday December 13th 2014, I woke up at 5am because I had to be at work at 6am. I went into the bathroom to pee and noticed two medium size dots of blood on my panties. I started to panic but then realized that it was somewhat normal, at least from all the reading I had done. Still being nervous I woke Sean up and told him what was going on. Freaking myself out even more I decide to call my mom at 5:15am and tell her whats going on. She tells me to call my doctor. Since it was the weekend and early in the morning. I had to leave a message for the on call doctor. When the doctor called me back I informed her what was going on. She said it was pretty normal and that I shouldn't worry unless I was bleeding enough to fill up a period pad and if that happened I would need to go into the E.R. I hung up the phone called my mom back and decided to get out of bed and get dressed for work. As I stood up from my bed I felt a big blop come out of my vagina. I squeezed my legs together and ran to the bathroom. My mom was still on the phone but I dropped the phone on the bathroom floor. I opened my legs and blood gushed down my leg. It was the most dramatic and incredible amount of blood I had ever seen. The bathroom floor and my pants were covered in blood. I start screaming and crying hysterically. Yelling Sean, NO NO I don't want to loose my baby. He said okay we are leaving now to the ER. He grabs the phone and tells my mom and hangs up. I pull up my soaking wet pants and climb into our Land Rover. I was getting blood all over the leather seats. We drove to the nearest hospital in Bountiful not my regular hospital in Salt Lake City.
They place me in an ER room and start drawing my blood from my right arm. They were watching my blood pressure and then sent in the on call obgyn. He explained that he needed to go in an see if my cervix was still closed. If it was still closed I had not had a miscarriage. If it was open then I had a miscarriage. With all the blood I had lost no one was sure of the outcome. He used a tool, felt around and also shined a large light into me. He determined that my cervix was still closed and that I had a "threatened miscarriage". I said what does that mean? He said I had a 50% chance of loosing the baby soon as my body might of started the process of getting rid of it. Or I will go on to have a normal pregnancy. Next they sent in an ultrasound tech. Since it was an ER they didn't have the normal machine. It was a freaking lap top. I was annoyed and frustrated. I said will this work? He said yes for the basic information but its not the best. We cant hear the heartbeat just see if the baby is still there. So he put the gel on and moved around. He saw that it was still intact and up there. It wasn't clear to see if it was moving just enough to know it was still in there.
Sean and I were at the ER from 530am-11am it was such an awful experience, but we ended up leaving with hope and that I will just be on bed rest for the next two days until I see my obgyn on Monday for my 12 week appt.
The rest of the day I just laid on the bed or the couch, rotating between the two. I was suppose to babysit my nephew that evening while my sister and brother in law went to a Christmas concert. They had been informed of what had been going on and were hesitant to bring him over. I said no I should be fine, plus Sean is here and they can play together. I tried to play cars with him but got too exhausted. Around 8pm my stomach started hurting really bad. I asked Sean to call his Dad in Kaysville to come over and give me a blessing. I was so scared. I went into the bedroom closed the door and layed on my bed. The pain kept coming on stronger and then would stop. At this point I realized I was having contractions. I yelled for Sean to come into the bedroom and he saw how much pain I was in. He squeezed my hand and then a few minutes later I screamed. A huge pop like sensation just happened. It was so incredibly painful. I said I need to get up and go to the bathroom. As I was walking to the bathroom blood was streaming down my leg. I sat down on the toilet and cupped my hand so I could catch everything that was coming out.
Since we came home from the hospital I hadn't cried, I was just in shock or denial of what was happening to me. As I sat on the toilet catching my placenta and baby coming out, I just held it in my hand, on my lap looking at it and touching it softly. Large tissue chunks the size of my palm, along with large blood droplets kept falling into the toilet. Ive only seen my husband cry 2x and tonight was the 3rd. Ive never seen him cry so hard, I felt so bad for what I had done and caused. I didn't know how to comfort him. He just leaned against the door frame crying and watching me hold or baby.
Sean called my mother to come over and get my nephew. When she came into the house she ran into the bathroom crying. She said Meg I am so sorry I don't know why this happened. God must have another plan, or something just wasn't right yet. I didn't respond or cry, I just sat there on the toilet holding my baby in a small towel. I was in such a state of shock that I was completely numb.
My mom left so she could take Jameson home. By this point the blood on the floor, toilet, my legs and hands was dry. My bathroom looked like a horrible murder scene.
Seans dad Mark called and said he was almost to our house. Sean came into the bathroom and was trying to help me get up. I didn't want to put it down or let go of it. But he helped me place it and the towel into a bowl. He put a towel around me and helped me into bed. Mark came in and gave me a blessing. I was grateful for it but was still angry that God would have let this happen to us. I am a really healthy woman. I never get sick or the flu or anything!
Seans dad left and I asked Sean to help me back into the bathroom. I leaned against the tub and sat down on the tile holding it. My sister and brother in law came over afterwards to pick up Jameson and learned what happened. With tears in his eyes, Sean told them what had just happened. My sister came into the bathroom and tried to talk me into taking a bath and cleaning all the blood off my body. I said no I just want to sit here and hold it. I just couldn't bare to let go of it.
By this time almost an hour had passed and my baby and placenta had sadly started to soften and deflate. My sister forced me into the tub and then let Sean come in and help bathe me since I was so weak and could not stand up by myself. After Sean helped me clean myself up in the bathroom he helped me into bed. He went and scrubbed the bathroom clean and placed the baby in a small safe container so we could take it to my doctor on Monday.
As I laid in bed I pleaded with God that this was just a dream and I would wake up tomorrow still happy and pregnant. I woke up Sunday morning and realized it was not a dream and that it was a very sad reality. I turned over to Sean and started to sob into his chest. I just kept saying why why why??!! What did I do to make this happen? We just laid in bed holding each other and crying.
Monday Sean left work early, came home and picked me up so we could go see my doctor. I was so sick to my stomach I did not want to be doing this. Holding my baby in a Tupperware container we walked into the office. I had to wait in the waiting room starring at all these pregnant women or newly born babies. Sean new this was hard for me and said don't look around just look at me we can get through this.
As my name was called we walked into the office, my doctor just had to look at me and i burst into tears again. He said Im sorry and went in and checked to make sure my cervix had closed, it had. Then he proceeded to tell me that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages. Those words meant nothing. Well shit I was that 1% ! He told me to be on bed rest for 4-5 days and that I would still continue to bleed for 2 weeks. Great I thought, a constant reminder every single day that I lost my baby. He said I did nothing to cause it and that it would not affect my future pregnancies. He asked for the Tupperware container so they could examine it and make sure my body had passed everything. He came back and said it had. We left the office empty and depressed.
For the next week I laid in bed all day and all night just crying and reliving Saturday night all over in my head. I didn't shower or change my clothes. I didn't want to face my family and close friends and tell them what had happened. I didn't want to talk about it. People kept calling and texting me. I didn't want to answer. I was completely miserable I didn't know who to talk to. Sloane my English mastiff could sense that I was sad and depressed. Her sweet companionship helped ease my pain.
I didn't know anyone that had gone through this, except one. I texted one of my friends and vented to them, for they were the only person who would understand. I ignored my family and friends and pushed people away. I didn't want to go out in public and see other pregnant women and new born babies. I couldn't handle it.
At the end of the week Sean forced me to shower and change me clothes. He said you are leaving this house, and we are going out. He took me to my favorite restaurant and for a moment I felt better, or maybe it was just my margarita numbing the pain. But I just loved Sean even more for doing his best to love and help me through this. I knew he was sad too, but he is such a strong soul.
The following week was Christmas and I did not want to face the Holiday. Christmas came and it definitely wasn't the cheerful day it should have been for us. My mom told my family not to mention it to me, but of course they still did. They were trying to show they cared. I was trying to be so strong, but every time some one came up and said im sorry, or hugged me, or said are you okay, I just started crying and said I don't want to talk about it.
Weeks went on and I tried to live my life without breaking down every 5 minutes. Sean was and still is my biggest support and love. I decided I wanted to get a tattoo to resemble our baby. It was my very first tattoo and I am so happy about it. I love looking at it everyday. A teeny heart to represent our teeny baby.